Celery really is offensive
Three English soccer have been banned from Stamford Bridge, the home of high flying Chelsea, and face criminal charges – for throwing celery on to the pitch, according to a report from Reuters today.
Celery, an offensive weapon? A tomato, yes, even a turnip, a squash or a potato – but a stick of celery? Just shows how tough those millionaire soccer players are. “Hey ref, stop the game, I got hit by a stick of celery.”
And there’s a twist. Reuters reports: “Chelsea fans have been throwing it among themselves, and singing an unprintable song about the vegetable, for more than two decades.”
Oh wow… I’d love to know what the song is: there’s a prize for anyone who sends me the verses, or even makes up a good one. But remember this is a family show.
But wait, as they say, there’s more. Reuters is also reporting that Deborah Tate, a Republican member of the Federal Communications Commission (the body that regulates the US media, for you Brits), wants celery to get equal TV time with doughnuts as a way to combat obesity. Equal time?!
All they need to do is get Homer Simpson to sit with his feet up on the control desk at work and get stuck in to a stick of celery. That should do it.
Note: A number of readers have thanked me for always including pictures with my posts. Now I can’t guarantee that this variety of celery, ‘Victoria’, is the one that caused the offence and I’m unable to pass comment on its prowess as a weapon. But I’m told it’s a fine variety, winner or an Award of Garden Merit I see, and seed is sold by our friends at Thompson & Morgan both in the USA and the UK. And the flavour? No idea. I can’t stand the stuff.
Is that the best celery for an ASBO?
Celery Tango has a satisfying "celery crunch": surely a major selling point if one is considering growing celery as an offensive weapon.
Posted by: Charlie | March 28, 2007 at 03:32 AM
google knows everything:
http://www.ave-it.net/chelsea_chants.htm
Posted by: max | March 28, 2007 at 02:33 PM
For the benefit of American readers, an ASBO is an AntiSocial Behaviour Order, often handed out for minor transgressions in the UK. Brandishing a stick of celery seems to come under the category of minor transgressions.
For celery fanatics, you can download the results of the 2005 RHS trial here: http://www.rhs.org.uk/databases/TrialReports/celery2005.pdf.
Both 'Tango' and 'Victoria' were given an Award of Garden Merit.
And thanks Max for the link to Chelsea's celery song; email your postal address to me at graham@grahamrice.com and I'll send you a prize! Not all that rude, though, is it.
Posted by: Graham Rice | March 28, 2007 at 05:25 PM
I watched, not having much of a choice, the world cup in Rome last summer. Those soccer, sorry, football players are big babies. They sit down in the middle of the field and cry if someone jostles them.
Posted by: eliz | March 28, 2007 at 10:15 PM
Yes, you'd think they get paid enough that a flying stick of celery wouldn't upset them, wouldn't you?
On the subject of offensive weapons at soccer/football matches, I heard someone on a British call-in show saying that as he was going in to see a match he had his wife's breast pump confiscated as an offensive weapon. He failed to mention why he was taking it to the game in the first place. Then a surgeon called and said that when he was a medical student he'd been allowed in to a game while carrying a set of surgical instruments.
Meanwhile, back in the garden...
Posted by: Graham Rice | March 29, 2007 at 03:45 PM
The lyrics are:
Celery Celery
If she don't cum
I'll tickle her bum
With A Lump of celery
The follwoing two youtube videos might be of instructive
http://youtube.com/watch?v=S7P-2qZxh40&mode=related&search=
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7-2nW6T8nLM&mode=related&search=
Posted by: John D. Darer CLU ChFC CSSC | June 17, 2007 at 01:08 PM